1 00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:06,511 ♪ I'm not sick but I'm not well ♪ 2 00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:09,552 ♪ And I'm so hot ♪ 3 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:14,117 ♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪ 4 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:22,839 MARK: There she is, hovering ominously - Dobby's yellow head. 5 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,030 I'm not about to masturbate looking at the head. 6 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:26,559 That's what they want me to do. 7 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:30,355 Hm, same Noodle Bar she went to yesterday, and Tuesday. 8 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,198 What's going on at the Noodle Bar? 9 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,790 Three-star reviews. It's possible she just likes the food. 10 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:37,274 But hard to completely believe. 11 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,231 Mark, can I put the heating on? I'm freezing. 12 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,112 No. Wear a jumper, walk about. 13 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:44,994 You want me to stride about the flat covered in wool simply to stay alive? 14 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,474 - New York? - Uh-huh. 15 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,797 Seems Dobby never deleted me off her Find My Friends app. 16 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:51,717 This is your perfect way of going out with someone, isn't it? 17 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,115 Safe in your sexual GCHQ. 18 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:55,958 I'm trying to build up a picture of her mental state. 19 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:59,595 For example, there's this organic bakery she's been to this afternoon 20 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:00,869 and twice more this week. 21 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:03,753 I checked their Twitter and their carrot cake just ran out. 22 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,838 The other day, she was in and the same thing happened. 23 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,154 It could be a coincidence. 24 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:11,431 I'm not saying she's eating a whole carrot cake every time she goes in there. 25 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,278 But you've got to admit, it's interesting. 26 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,880 Fascinating. Here's a radical idea. 27 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,991 Why don't you stop being a psycho and give her a ring? 28 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,510 She stopped answering my calls after I went a bit overboard that time. 29 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:22,709 The million-text month? 30 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:23,795 Mm. So unfair. 31 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,195 The 327-text month. 32 00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,753 Put it back, Jeremy. 33 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,598 That thing eats electricity. 34 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:32,871 It's only seven hours till the central heating comes back on. 35 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,196 It's going in the vault. The new regime. 36 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:40,155 Heater in the cupboard, tracker tag on the nice towel, mousetrap in the Frosties. 37 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:42,669 It's great you do home visits. 38 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,678 I find it makes for a more conducive life-coaching environment. 39 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:49,600 Than you at my place, my socks on the radiator and me sitting on a bongo. 40 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,280 - I've done some more art boxes. - Megan's so lovely. 41 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:53,799 I'm definitely falling in love with her. 42 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:56,195 But what the hell's she talking about? 43 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,469 Focus. I need to give her 44 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:01,229 a really useful, usable bit of actual handcrafted wisdom that... 45 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,112 Ooh, is that Watchmen? I never saw Watchmen. 46 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:04,230 (DOOR OPENS) 47 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,954 Sorry I'm back so early. I'll, um... I'll hide out in the bedroom. 48 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,674 No, it's OK. Jeremy, this is Joe, my boyfriend. 49 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:10,949 Oh, hey, Joe. 50 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,276 He's eyeing me. There's an atmosphere. 51 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,436 Does he want to hit me? 52 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:16,709 Jeremy was just saying I should quit my job 53 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:19,036 and concentrate, like, 100% on my boxes. 54 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,753 - Fuck, did I? - JOE: Really? 55 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,313 Wow, that's a... That's a big one. 56 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:25,273 - Sure. Big call. - Quite the wise old guru. 57 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:27,470 Hey, less of the "old", young man. 58 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:31,195 I'm still young enough to give you a... bloody good... duffing up. 59 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:35,950 We're not gonna fight, but I reckon I could duff him up, if I needed to. 60 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,719 Take him out, take him apart, sort him out big-time. 61 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:41,593 I could... take him, definitely. 62 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:42,914 If I needed to. 63 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,432 - Thanks for seeing me, Mark. Mate. - No problem. 64 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:51,951 Mate? He wants my... liver for a transplant? Well, he can't have it. 65 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,957 And I'm saving my kidneys for little Ian. 66 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,070 Look, um... 67 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:58,351 I don't think I've ever said this before, but I've got a huge... 68 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,357 huge amount of respect for you, yeah? 69 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,153 When UKIP come to round us all up, you'll be there, 70 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,350 Won't you, at the barricades, saying, "No!" 71 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,994 Oh, that's... that's very nice of you to say, Hans. 72 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:10,111 Yeah. So, er... Well, it's like this. 73 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:13,437 Er, I want you to be best man at me wedding. 74 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:14,914 Best man? 75 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,473 - But what about Jez? - Molly hates him. 76 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:18,557 I need a... norm. 77 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:22,070 And you, well, you're a real meat and potatoes, straight up and down, 78 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:25,909 beef Wellington, don't trust the Argies, dick in the vagina, 79 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,396 Cheddar cheese and chicken tikka masala man. 80 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:30,589 Thank you? 81 00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:34,235 There is nothing that could persuade me to strap myself to the huge, 82 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:38,956 flaming Super Hans wedding zeppelin with a gang of drugged-up goons. 83 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,911 Oh, hang on. 84 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,917 Is... Dobby invited? 85 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,234 Er, yeah. 86 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:46,874 We've got a "no smackheads, no crackheads" rule, so, the, er... 87 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,433 the old long list is pretty short. 88 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,676 I mean, I'd love to come. 89 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:53,712 But maybe without being your best man. 90 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,149 (LAUGHS) Yeah, I bet you would, you cheeky fucker. 91 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,316 No, you're gonna have to earn your rack of lamb, buddy. 92 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,397 Oh, strap on the cummerbund. 93 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,473 Need to professionalise in here. 94 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,478 Lose the lions, put up my certificate, get a filing cabinet. 95 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,511 Except, have I got anything to f...? 96 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:09,789 What is that? 97 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,150 Watt, is that a fucking thermometer? 98 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:13,838 He's finally bloody lost it. 99 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,119 - Hello. - Hello. 100 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,436 - What are you doing? - Just taking a temperature reading. 101 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,074 I thought perhaps you'd bought your own fan heater. 102 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,269 Oh, for fuck's sake! 103 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:28,473 I need to get off for Fakenham, to be there the night before, for... everything. 104 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:30,591 - He's in his jacket, going to everything. - While I'm gone, 105 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,995 no turning the central heating to constant. 106 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,556 - So, off you go, the best man. - I'm sorry, Jez. 107 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,352 The single best man there is. 108 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:41,597 You know they haven't even invited me to the ceremony, just the reception. 109 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,109 I only said yes because of Dobby. To win her back. 110 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,071 ...I need to get back to the good times. 111 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:49,590 Hours on the sofa, DVD's and takeaway lamb pasanda. 112 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,950 I'm gonna be the Mark Dobby always wanted, 113 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,560 who goes to those spoken-word poetry events 114 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:59,071 where most of the poems are by women about the awesome power of the C-U-N-T. 115 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:00,997 You can't even say it. 116 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:02,678 There's enough unpleasantness in the world. 117 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,279 See you tomorrow. 118 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:09,720 I have so many funny stories about Hans, where do I start? 119 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,593 The time he tried to cut my legs off when he was tripping 120 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:15,029 because he thought! was a demon? Or the time 121 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:18,869 he just went straight for me with a chicken skewer for no apparent reason? 122 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:20,433 Shit, Dobby's off-grid. 123 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,756 She could be anywhere. So selfish. 124 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:26,236 Quick neighbourhood watch over my own personal neighbourhood, 125 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:29,079 then maybe a disappointing Skype chat with my son. 126 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,476 There's nothing unethical about secretly filming my own flat. 127 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,989 If he's got nothing to hide, he's got nothing to fear. 128 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,350 A vest? That heat-thieving bastard. 129 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,756 I should put a mousetrap in there. That'd be fun. 130 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:43,314 - (PHONE RINGS) - It's time for the show trial. 131 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,591 I'm gonna make him confess his thermostat crimes. 132 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:49,280 The heating Stasi are coming for you, Jeremy. 133 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,596 Oh, hey, Mark. How's the advance party going? 134 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:55,474 Oh, good, Jeremy. You? You're looking quite toasty over there. 135 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:58,194 - Er, yeah, well, it was quite a warm day. - Oh, really? 136 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,958 Not according to the Met Office, it's not. 137 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,070 Microclimate. 138 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,316 There is no microclimate around Apollo House. 139 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:04,759 Well, that would explain 140 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,076 - why I'm feeling quite chilly now. - You don't look chilly. 141 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:08,758 - Brr. - Bullshit. 142 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,998 It's an hour outside the agreed heating window and the flat looks incredibly warm. 143 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,351 - How could it look warm, you maniac? - (DOORBELL RINGS) 144 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:17,834 Who's that? 145 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:19,917 Oh, that'll be the ISIS guys that I've invited round 146 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,395 - to charge their mobiles on your coin. - Don't joke. 147 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:23,669 Now, turn the heating off, 148 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,280 put a jumper on and text me a picture of you wearing it 149 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,994 in front of the thermostat with today's paper. 150 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,353 - Hey. - Oh, hi, 151 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,755 Er, wondered if you had time for a bit of life coaching, 152 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,235 um... off the clock. 153 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,839 Sure. 154 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:43,191 Hey, I know what the weird atmosphere is. 155 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,990 - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Coming, Hans. 156 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:46,950 Oh, God, Dobby. 157 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,593 - Hi. - Wow! 158 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,870 Did you just arrive? Did-Did your phone die? 159 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,036 Er, yeah, it did. How did you know? 160 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,878 Great to see you. 161 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,115 I just wanted to say hi 162 00:06:56,160 --> 00:07:00,040 and head off any potential weirdness by being as weird as possible right now. 163 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,117 So... rarrgh! 164 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,549 Good option. Blaaaargh! 165 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:08,309 OK, she's still adorable. Time to go to DEFCON 1. 166 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:10,271 Roll out the new Mark manifesto. 167 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,279 Dobby, come in. There was actually something I wanted to say. 168 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,550 No pressure, but go out with me or I'll hang myself. 169 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:22,118 Hey. Er, my toothbrush isn't charging. I think the voltages are wrong here. 170 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,754 - Can l er...? - Who the fuck are you? 171 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:28,077 And what have you got against 240 lovely British volts? 172 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,713 - Hi. - Hi. 173 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,036 - That's Gregory. - Fuck this shit, it won't go in. 174 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:33,878 And what does Gregory do? 175 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:37,515 He's resting and writing a great blog about digital rights 176 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,790 and how Brooklyn is changing for the worse, 177 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,956 and comparing the different coffee shops he doesn't like 178 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,593 and how their coffee isn't real coffee. 179 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:44,960 And the carrot cakes? 180 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,116 Er, yeah, sometimes. 181 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,959 - 1 knew it. - OK. It's, er, charging. 182 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,879 I'm gonna go back to the room. I think I've got a headache. 183 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:54,752 But I'm not sure. 184 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:55,870 You coming, Dobby? 185 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:59,800 Leave poor old million-text Mark to his surveillance. 186 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,751 - That's Jeremy. - What's Jeremy doing in my bedroom? 187 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,792 Mark, have you rigged your flat up with spycams? 188 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,832 Webcams. If Jeremy has nothing to hide, he has nothing to fear. 189 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,279 Who's that? 190 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:12,836 Some guy. He's taken some guy into my room. 191 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,075 Oh, God. 192 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,396 Is he gonna sell all my stuff, or... 193 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,750 or download something horrible onto my computer? 194 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,757 Wow. 195 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,997 - OK. - Jeremy's gone gay. OK. 196 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,316 Is he playing the field, or is this guy his boyfriend? 197 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:30,672 Don't know. He's always been pretty slutty and-and a bit... 198 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,677 but not actually the full... 199 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:36,190 God, maybe he does this every time I leave the house. 200 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,595 Oh, God, what are they gonna do next? 201 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,551 I think I know what they're gonna do next. 202 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,193 Well, why can't they do it in his bed? 203 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,756 - We should turn this off. - Yeah, we definitely should. 204 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,836 That reading light's gonna go. 205 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:55,636 I wonder if they're gonna be into penetration or just clip each other off. 206 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:57,751 Yeah, that gives it a certain suspense. 207 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,269 I really feel I shouldn't be watching this. 208 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:04,711 Are they...? 209 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,353 Is my room all right? 210 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,358 Your room's fine, but Jeremy's cock's getting quite the hammering. 211 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,710 Oi-oi, Marco, ready to go? 212 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:16,038 Molly's gang are staying here, so Team Hans are off to burn down the village. 213 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,469 - DOBBY: Ooh. - What you watching? 214 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,079 Jez get fucked by some guy on Mark's webcam. 215 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,190 Right. 216 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:22,719 Fair play. 217 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,831 How long you been filming Jez having sex, Mark? 218 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:25,915 It's accidental. 219 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:29,112 I just wanted to make sure he hadn't turned up the central heating. 220 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,878 You can relax on that front. 221 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,355 I don't think they're gonna need any central heating. 222 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:34,754 I will not watch this. 223 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,553 I'm gonna go and stare into the mirror and wait out the fucking 224 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,637 - like it's an air raid. - DOBBY: Whoo!! 225 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,557 - The reading light's gone, Mark. - Ohh. 226 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:47,552 - Anything else for the speech? - Gregory, it's all cool. 227 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:49,876 Mark is not going to jump me. 228 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,831 He's not an alpha male asshole. 229 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,474 Heh-heh! Everyone trusts the pathetic worm. 230 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:56,113 It's good to be a pathetic worm. 231 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,312 Stop being a psycho and go back to live-tweeting your headache. 232 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:02,910 Oh, right, I once fucking totalled a mate's car, 233 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,280 smashed the shit out of it big-time, 234 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:08,632 and we fell out and he came for me, but I did him. 235 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,311 Uh-huh. That's... 236 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:13,953 That-That's a good story. Um... 237 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:18,676 Any-Anything I could use that might be a bit more romantic? 238 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:23,396 Also, and I know this might sound like a bit of a starter question, but... 239 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:24,839 what's your name? 240 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,391 Megan doesn't need to know about this. Right? 241 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:33,149 Oh, sure. Just watching TV with a guy. It's like watching TV with Mark. 242 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:36,636 Except, generally, I don't have Mark's jizz on my leg. 243 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:38,159 How would it be if...? 244 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:43,195 I mean, I've had a really nice time and, er, I don't want to push it, but... 245 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:45,072 what if I stayed over? 246 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,190 Er.. 247 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,676 Cuddling up all night with Joe, as if we were boyfriend and... boyfriend? 248 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,792 Am I gonna go the full three dimensions? 249 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,470 Love to, but I've gotta get on a coach... to Norfolk. 250 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,431 - It's... Best friend's wedding. - Now? 251 00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:00,118 Yeah, gotta go. 252 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,630 Can't hang around here cuddling all night long. 253 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:06,911 Got to get on a night coach to King's Lynn, my friend. 254 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,469 I understand, and I'm sorry for being rude. 255 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:15,799 No, you've explained the economics of running a rural taxi firm very clearly. 256 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:19,354 Three hours for a cab. 257 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,391 How are we gonna get back? We're in the middle of nowhere. 258 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,158 Fuck! Right... 259 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,669 Oh, no, Hans. No, not that. 260 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,633 Wicked! Hitching! Well, one of us is definitely gonna get murdered. 261 00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:31,035 Probably bloody me. It's usually the girl. 262 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,117 Relax. There are three of us. 263 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,834 If they try anything, just whip out a bootlace and... 264 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:38,520 take 'em out from behind - nice and easy. 265 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:43,873 Er... So, yeah, Dobs, I just wanted to say, about the... million-text month... 266 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,433 Sorry. 267 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:47,915 I was just not feeling like chatting. 268 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,156 After the weird picnic, I just felt... 269 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,999 You know when you wanna get the fuck out, because you're getting suffocated? 270 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,509 Those last few months, me and you, do you remember? 271 00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,518 We used to just sit on the sofa watching DVD's 272 00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,517 and eating lamb pasanda like a pair of zombies. 273 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:04,190 Yeah. Was sort of like a living death, wasn't it? 274 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,355 It was lovely. 275 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:09,394 Yeah, cos I've actually been thinking of maybe training it to Budapest 276 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:13,035 and getting into mime and fucking street theatre. 277 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,960 Yeah? You don't wanna hitch in England, but you wanna mime in Hungary? 278 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,115 Oh, God, no. 279 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:21,790 Why would anyone be driving around at this time? It doesn't make any sense. 280 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:25,549 Dobby, we're not seriously going to get into a stranger's car? 281 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,477 It's an adventure, Mark. They could be anyone. 282 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,194 Poets, hippies, freaks, norms. 283 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,516 Maniacs, people smugglers, organ harvesters. 284 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,710 Mm, everyone's drinking the Kool-Aid. 285 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,115 I don't want any delicious Kool-Aid. 286 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:38,994 - (TINNY MUSIC) - The tinny vibration. 287 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,873 God, that's annoying. That has gotta hurt. 288 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:45,276 I'm aggressively glancing. Constant eye flicks and no smile. 289 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:48,153 Man, he's gotta be hurting. This is inhuman. 290 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,395 I'm slaying him. 291 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:52,273 What the hell am I doing in this horrible coach 292 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,596 instead of spooning with a lovely guy? 293 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:57,234 Do I love Joe? Do I love Megan? 294 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,635 Do I love this guy sitting next to me? 295 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,115 Am I a guy who just slept with a guy, which is fine, 296 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,312 or am I a guy who is a gay guy, which is also fine, 297 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:08,318 or am I a guy who sometimes sleeps with guys and sometimes doesn't? 298 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:09,634 Which is also fine. 299 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,273 It's all totally fine. 300 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,519 So, why are you all out, then? You guys looking for a good time, or what? 301 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:18,279 God, they're doggers. I'm gonna get dogged. 302 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,756 Oh, we've just been out for a few tomato juices, heading home. 303 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,757 Do you know anywhere haunted? 304 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,155 Properly haunted, not just bullshit for tourists? 305 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,111 What do you think? Have we got time for a quick detour? 306 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,549 We could go up to the old air-raid shelter up on the top road, mebbee. 307 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:34,480 Oh, my God. ! knew someone was gonna get murdered. 308 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:36,033 - (WHISPERS) Hans! - What? 309 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:38,117 - Do not murder him. - What did you say? 310 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,276 - Er, nothing. - Did you tell him to murder us? 311 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,675 No, no, I-I-I said not to murder you. 312 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,872 Just doing up my laces, guys. Relax, for fuck's sake. 313 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,399 Why are you talking about murdering us? 314 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,317 No, no murdering. It's-It's a misunderstanding. 315 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:53,319 Cos if you come for us, I'll chop you up and feed you into a fucking septic tank. 316 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:57,035 Touché. We... We relent. Seriously, no... no harm meant. 317 00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:00,755 - I momentarily thought that there was an outside chance that my pal 318 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:04,555 might be gonna try to murder you and I was just checking that he wasn't, 319 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:07,274 so... we're all good. 320 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:12,110 So, what's, er... what's your position on the whole Euro situation? 321 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:16,357 Oh, my God. I thought Hans was actually gonna garrotte him. 322 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,196 I know. 323 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:19,675 And then I thought no-one was gonna challenge that guy on his xenophobic rant, 324 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:21,711 but I just had to say it, I couldn't let it go. 325 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,512 I think it's good how you said it. 326 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,359 I mean, I would have said it... eventually. 327 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,432 Maybe a bit closer to our destination. 328 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,115 How much further is it? 329 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,958 Fuck knows. Like, three miles. 330 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,038 Man, Molly's gonna shit a house brick. 331 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,991 Right... I'm running. 332 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:42,514 - No... shoes? - No, man. 333 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,598 Mother Nature's trainer, the human foot. 334 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:46,960 Right, laters. 335 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,320 Oh, and, er, watch out for wolves. 336 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,237 There are no wolves in East Anglia, Hans. 337 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,954 Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Marco. 338 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,274 Ooh, you fucker! 339 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,118 Oh, God. Five miles? 340 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:59,073 If it gets too freezing, we could always sleep in a barn. 341 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,838 The prospect of spending the night 342 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,190 huddled in a haystack with Dobby should be thrilling. 343 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:06,915 But all I can think about is my hotel bed and my pillow chocolate. 344 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,712 I want my pillow chocolate. 345 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,479 Oh, no pillow chocolate. 346 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,875 I don't expect them to actually run me a bath. 347 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:15,797 I simply want to eat some chocolate off my pillow 348 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,558 - like a normal human being. - (KNOCK ON DOOR) 349 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,079 Could it be Dobby? 350 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,589 Maybe Gregory's minor headache was an aneurysm. 351 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:23,995 Heh-heh! Naughty but nice. 352 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:25,633 Oh. 353 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,353 - Hey. - I thought you'd be here tomorrow. 354 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,311 I am actually quite tired, so... 355 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:32,557 - The inevitable Jez. - How's the... Dobby mission... going? 356 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,159 Disaster. She's got a boyfriend. 357 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:37,955 She seems a lot happier, comfier in her own skin. 358 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,274 She's blossomed. 359 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,993 I hate it when that happens. 360 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:45,273 Yeah, so, um, I know we don't have that many heart-to-heart chats, 361 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,550 but, um, there's something I need to talk to you about. 362 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,956 Uh-huh. ! know nothing. Don't pre-empt. 363 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,877 - Blank face, blank face. - Look, 364 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:56,515 you're the last person who I would ideally talk to about this, 365 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,473 but the fact is, this will come as something of a shock. 366 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:00,749 Total surprise. 367 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:04,475 Earlier tonight, I had sex with a man in my bedroom, 368 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,989 -and... - I'm... I'm sorry, in your bedroom? 369 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,360 Yeah. And... 370 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:13,395 I have feelings for this guy, Joe, but I kind of walked out on him and... 371 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,273 Just to clarify, you were in... your bedroom? 372 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:17,754 Yes, Mark. 373 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,030 Anyway, um, as I was saying, I really like this guy... 374 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:24,790 Not the kitchen, or-or the living room, or any other room in the flat? 375 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,593 I'm talking about possibly the biggest thing that's ever happened in my life 376 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,553 and you're obsessing about... roomal geography? 377 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,830 No, fine. Go on. I-I-I'm sorry. 378 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,077 I thought I was just totally open, totally cool, 379 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,475 but now I wonder if... 380 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:43,549 inside, I don't have some shame or confusion 381 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:44,999 - deep in there. - Uh-huh, I get it, mate. 382 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:50,513 And-And what, out-out of interest, was the temperature like in the room 383 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,870 - when... when you were... doing it? - Normal, 384 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,070 unheated, regular air temperature. 385 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,554 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 386 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,989 Hey, Mark, Gregory forgot his toothbrush. Oh, hey, Jez. 387 00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:01,873 - Hey, Dobs. - Sorry, am I interrupting? 388 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,230 I'll-I'll leave you two to... Sorry. 389 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,315 Good luck! 390 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,555 Dobby, are you all right? 391 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,557 Sorry, it's just... 392 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,069 I know something about you which I shouldn't really know, 393 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:15,599 but I do know, but it's not my fault. 394 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:19,110 Anyway, really great, Jez, everything, bye. 395 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,594 Did you...? 396 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,711 - Do you... know? - Look, 397 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,637 I'm sorry, Jez, but I've... 398 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:26,990 I've got a webcam in my bedroom. 399 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:29,714 Oh, my God! You watched me...? 400 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,673 - I saw the whole thing and so did Dobby. - (KNOCK ON DOOR) 401 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,838 Hey, Mark, Dobs forgot the charger. Can I grab it? 402 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,440 Oh. Wow, you must be Jeremy. 403 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:44,474 - Yes. How do you...? - I, er... must have seen you before... 404 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,636 around. 405 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:48,159 See you later. 406 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:49,679 Him as well? 407 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:53,031 You chose to go into my bedroom. You... You filmed yourself. 408 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,993 I didn't know your room was bristling with surveillance equipment. 409 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:56,871 (DOOR OPENS) 410 00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:59,355 - All right, Jez? - Hans. 411 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:02,677 So, er, it's all cool with Molly. 412 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:06,873 Look, I just wanted to say about tonight, um... sorry... 413 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,069 about the garrotting. 414 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,760 I fucked up a nice lift home for us there and, er, 415 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,632 well, you didn't break my nuts about it. 416 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,671 That's what real mates do. They, er... 417 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,473 they take a pounding, but they still come up smiling. 418 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,160 Bit like Jez with that bloke in your bed. 419 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,953 God, has the entire world seen this fucking video? 420 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,038 I came here to talk to someone about this, get some perspective. 421 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,594 Turns out I can just read the fucking YouTube comments. 422 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,950 Yeah. They might be good comments. 423 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,477 Good afternoon. My name's Katie Mitchell... 424 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,716 JEREMY: First mistake - no bouncers at the wedding. I'm in. 425 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,398 Plus, the great thing is, 426 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:47,320 I've escaped the strong, comforting arms of the sexy, affectionate man. 427 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,112 ...to conduct this ceremony for them today. 428 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,833 So, it's my great pleasure... 429 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,030 (WHISPERS) Gregory sure loves his phone. 430 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:56,232 Looking at his phone and she loves it. I could look at my phone. 431 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:57,918 We all wanna look at our phones. 432 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,110 They will now recite the vows they have written together. 433 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:06,233 I will not fail nor falter. 434 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:10,274 I shall succeed. My perception is altered. 435 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:11,754 I do believe. 436 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,791 Faith is so strong now. 437 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:15,638 Nothing shall bar my way. 438 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:19,355 From conviction, no fiction. 439 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,595 This is my day. 440 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,639 I can move, move, move any mountain. 441 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,320 I can move, move, move any mountain. 442 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:31,194 BOTH: I can move, move, move any mountain. 443 00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:33,953 - Simon... - MARK: Simon? 444 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,276 Super Simon? Simon Hans? 445 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,470 ...and into my heart. 446 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,114 You are... the best of men. 447 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,516 The truest, kindest, most generous of men. 448 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:47,518 JEREMY: I think he might be the opposite of all those words. 449 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:49,471 I'm getting married. 450 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,955 And I would punch in the throat anyone who tried to stop me. 451 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,038 That is how I feel today, Molly. 452 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:59,233 So suffused with love, I'd put a glass in the face of anyone 453 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,715 who tried to stop us joining our souls together. 454 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:04,957 I'd hospitalise them. 455 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:11,315 Hear, hear. 456 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,431 The bride and groom. 457 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,400 MARK: Mention the seven years working in Richer Sounds in Kew, 458 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:20,874 miss out the Thai jail, 459 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:24,914 on to the bands, drop the first marriage, hit Jeremy and their long friendship, 460 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:28,715 minus all the bad blood and occasional sucking each other off, blah, blah, blah. 461 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,912 Wrap up with a toast to the bride and groom, Hans, or-or possibly Simon, 462 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:35,590 and his wife, whose Christian name I've unfortunately forgotten. 463 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,792 Shit! I don't really know either of their names. 464 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,674 There's Dobby. She doesn't like pasanda and quality TV drama. 465 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:46,190 She likes hitchhiking and terrifying actual drama. 466 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:47,992 We don't fit. Oh, my God! 467 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:52,238 I'm letting go. I've crossed the bridge into adulthood. I'm moving on. 468 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,796 I'm gonna delete her off my GPS. 469 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:57,478 Weird. It looks like she's right behind me. 470 00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,670 Fuck! What the...? 471 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:01,472 - Oof! - I know you're stalking Dobby. 472 00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:04,353 I tracked your IP address. You still love her. 473 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,836 Gregory, believe me, I-I don't. I-I'm not. I've stopped. 474 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,678 - When? - Literally just now. 475 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,711 I-I was just about to delete her off my phone. 476 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:12,830 You douchebag! 477 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,951 I promise you, I-I don't like her any more. 478 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,879 She-She's always saying exactly what she's thinking, 479 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,196 with-with no regards for the consequences 480 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:23,631 and-and she's got weird hair, and-and she smokes. 481 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,593 Ah, please don't punch me. I wish you both well. 482 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,392 I wish you both Well! 483 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,195 Um... Excuse me, ladies and gents. 484 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:34,833 Excuse me. Oil 485 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:40,437 Sorry, hi. Er, I'm afraid the, er, the best man, er, has gone AWOL. 486 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:45,554 Um, but don't worry. Just-Just eat some cheese and I'll get it sorted. 487 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:48,797 Jez, Jez. 488 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,478 Um, would you...? 489 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,079 - But I've got nothing prepared. - That's all right. 490 00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:54,634 Just freestyle it, man, yeah? 491 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,876 But don't, er... Obviously, don't rap. 492 00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:00,550 Remember? After Stoke? You never rap. 493 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,433 (GLASS DINGS) 494 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,153 Hans... 495 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,191 Super... Hans... 496 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,880 I've known Hans for many a year now. 497 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:17,949 It's been a long road and now, as you've found Molly, 498 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,798 er, and... 499 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,832 I don't really want to get into this, but I've started it now, 500 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,235 but I'm gonna bring it round, so don't worry. 501 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:30,593 People said Molly wasn't right for you. That she was a downer. 502 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:35,476 But you know what? If someone loves someone, he just... loves them. 503 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:40,594 And if that person is considered to be a downer, 504 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:44,315 or even a yawn-a-thon, who cares? 505 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:49,070 And even if someone loves another man... or... 506 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:50,519 What's in a name? 507 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,039 Or gender? 508 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:55,710 Is it possible to love two people at once? Three? 509 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,513 Four is surely the limit. 510 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:00,119 But is it? 511 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,595 What is love anyway? Is it, er... 512 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,234 an act or a feeling... 513 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,556 or who am I to speak? 514 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:08,874 Who are you to listen? 515 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:11,992 Why is a marriage a marriage, 516 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:16,955 but society says it's wrong for two men to love one another 517 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:18,559 even though... 518 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:22,230 now it says it says that now it's OK? 519 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:26,433 Is it OK because society says it's OK? What next? 520 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:30,997 Dogs getting married? Could I marry my own son? 521 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:32,599 No. 522 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,392 Possibly not? 523 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:36,158 Correct. 524 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,919 Or is it? What I'm trying to say 525 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,555 is that people should do whatever they want to do 526 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:46,912 at a temperature that suits them within limits. 527 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:47,950 Thank you. 528 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,799 Pretty sure someone's gonna print that speech on a tea towel someday. 529 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,990 Yeah! Eat that, Obama. 530 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,509 Fuck off, Mandela. Take that, Mark. 531 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,757 I'm the best man. I'm the best man who ever lived. 532 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:11,796 ♪ Paranoia, paranoia, ♪ ♪ everybody's coming to get me ♪ 533 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:15,037 ♪ Just say you never met me ♪ 534 00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:17,799 ♪ I'm running underground with the moles ♪ 535 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:19,239 ♪ Digging holes. ♪